This is a day to celebrate and honour fathers and father figures, and all they have done for us. Unfortunately, some fathers have abandoned their families.
Some of the happiest memories of my childhood involved my father, when he was still a part of my life. Family dinners, vacations and festive holidays. That was all the happy times that I remember. The sun always shone brightly in these memories.
When my father left, I didn’t understand it, at the time. Sometimes, I still don’t. I felt like I had done something wrong. Was it because I wasn’t good enough? Was I not a good enough daughter? Maybe I wasn’t a good enough student? What was I missing?
The truth is, when we are abandoned by a parent, we wonder why time and time again. We wonder what was wrong with us. We become afraid because if someone who is meant to love us unconditionally won’t, who could ever really love us? Who else would leave? Why would anyone ever really stay?
The truth is, behind every daughter who was abandoned by her father, is a child who will be unhappy. She just doesn’t understand what is wrong with herself, some days. She wonders, “If I can’t fit in with my family, where do I fit in?”
As a child, I watched television shows like ‘The Brady Bunch and Happy Days’ in which the fathers showered their daughters with tremendous amounts of attention, love and affection. As I never got those from my father, I convinced myself it was because I wasn’t loveable enough.
When my father left, I felt that he didn’t just leave my mother, he also left me. It has affected my self-esteem and self-worth. As I got older, my self-esteem plummeted and I was convinced that no man would ever find me attractive. I didn’t feel lovable. I felt like a disappointment. I felt like I didn’t belong.
Whatever childhood I had; it was gone when my father walked out the door on us. My father had missed out on so much of my life, and many important moments in my life. He missed out on all the fun and exciting experiences with me. He also missed out on the not so fun and not so exciting experiences too.
Whether a father was present but rejecting like mine, or walked away from his fatherly duties entirely, his absence would leave a permanent mark on a daughter’s psyche as she grows into adulthood.
When my father left, I experienced so many negative feelings for many years. I realise that those feelings are still there, sometimes. Anger, resentment, sadness, grief, heartache, shame, fear, guilt, doubt, and betrayal. The feeling of being unloved and rejected had manifested itself in many ways throughout my life as I struggled with food obsession, low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression for many years.
I had wanted to learn little life lessons from my father, and as it turns out, I actually did. Without even being here, he ended up teaching me the most important things.
I learned what it means to be strong, when someone who is meant to love you does not. I was afraid of being left by anyone who walks into my life, but I now know that if someone does leave, I will survive. And, I learned that it is fine to feel the hurt it has brought.
I learned that a daughter whose father abandoned her can grow, thrive, learn, excel, succeed, love and be loved, and live a wonderful life when she learns to forgive herself and her father, even if her father had never felt sorry for what he has done.
So, here’s to all daughters who were abandoned by their fathers!
Yes, we may seem strong on the outside, but we are hurting deep down on the inside. That pain will always be there. Still, we cannot dwell on it for too long. Holding on to these feelings is no longer serving us. Our past does not have to define our future. We can no longer hold on to that old story. We are ready to write a new story.
We deserve to feel joy, peace, happiness, courage, confidence, acceptance, hopeful, love and trust. We are enough. We are lovable. We belong.
